Dental Dam it!

This blog was supposed to be about the love lives of gay friends, but since I, Shirlee, have no love life to speak of, I have often branched out to other topics important to the gay community like the looming changes in our judicial system and tips on how to cook special brownies for maximum impact.

Today my blog topic is not about love, although I will say that last night I managed to get one boy to flirt with me at a bar. "Your body is so humpy!", he said to me, which is a compliment that is both flattering and confusing. Does that mean he wants to hump me? Does he assume me to be a bottom just because I have the ass of an 18-yr-old Hungarian porn star? "Thank you," I said, "but I'm in the process of becoming more lithe." "It's really your body I want," I flirted back suggestively if not convincingly before he returned to his friends. Readers, that boy has the potential of becoming another Gabby Gay post. I first wrote about him in an article entitled "Triple Play" back in November, so stay tuned and keep your fingers crossed for Shirlee!!

The real focus of today's post is, "WHY ARE ALL DENTISTS HUMORLESS RETARDS?" No offense, dear reader, if you are a dentist. I'm sure you're lovely. But the rest of these bitches!...

The Backstory: Having no current dental insurance, I began experiencing mild pain last October which quickly turned to sharp pain. I decided to do the cost-effective thing and check myself in for review at the local dental school. Dentistry and internal medicine, unless it's cosmetic surgery, is really a waste because no one sees the result of the thousands of dollars you spend to repair your body. But like my mama said, there's no denying a pain in the butt! But back to my mouth...

The Plot: I went in for emergency repair and was pleasantly surprised at the quality of the care I received. The student dentist and attending senior dentist informed me that I might have to spend thousands of dollars on a root canal, but first they were going to give me a medicated temporary filling to see if my pain went away. Sweet Jesus! A root canal? All my shakras were going to beam healing light on my gums to ensure that I could stick with the filling.

The Twist: When it was time for me to go back, they assigned me to another dentist. Well, he wasn't so much as a dentist as a Sadist. During my exam, he used every wedge, forcep and drill in sight, I think just to test them all out. Then when he had my mouth full of metal torture devices, he used my forehead to press his palm with such force that I assume that he had a cramp and was trying to strecth it out. He then told me I wasn't cooperating with his examination. Sweating and silently apologetic, I watched as he then spent 10 minutes having a lovely conversation with a female dentist about what they would be doing that night while I got lockjaw waiting for him to return to my mouth. Exam completed, he told me that I would have to come back to get the permanent filling put in. Okay.....

The Plot Thickener: I called up the dental school and had them reassign me another dentist, preferably that lovely young woman who first worked on me. They granted my request with a new dentist, so when I went in to meet her, I tried to soften her up with humor about plastic on the furniture, etc. Nothing! Lavurn it was more silent than our "End Of The Season" party sketch material. So, I just shut up and watched her bring out her instruments. Only these were not the same instruments as before. She brought out the kinky rubber and began to cover my mouth and nose like in a snuff film. I figured that eventually she'd uncover my nose so I could breathe, but that didn't occur to her, so I did it myself. "Ooh, having trouble breathing?" she said. I smiled, not wanting to offend another person about to inflict pain upon me. Her dental dam was supposedly to help her isolate my back tooth, but she stared and stared as if it was nowhere to be found. Finally, after much prodding of the most sensitive area of my gum, she began the work.

The Denoument: Five hours later, I walked out of the dental school looking like Sandra Dee had been practicing how to make a hicky all over my face. It was a horrible experience and I hope to get dentures very, very soon. Polident Extra-Grip, here I come!