Resolution No. 9

Lavurn,

January 1st has come and gone and since most people whom I've polled have scoffed at the concept of New Year's resolutions, the worst these slackers have to contend with is to remember to write "2006" on their checks. Being a contrarian, I have decided to pile up on resolutions this year, figuring that if I achieve even one of them I can comment on that success and forget that I made the other promises (taking a cue from our current President).

One of my resolutions is to "be more Buddhist". I think of this in a generic sense of being more accepting of the way things are, blah, blah, blah. These guys are clearly pretty lenient with life's lumps. I mean have you seen what those monks have to wear? It's like an episode of Bravo TV's Project Runamok. That orange in their robes has to be the least flattering color in the Crayola box and don't even get me started with the shaved head look. SO Chelsea 1998. And if you're going to wear footwear, you might want to something more sensible than those flat sandals on those slippery mountains.

Anyway, as I'm sitting on the toilet thinking about how much more accepting I will be this year, I notice that my roommate has purchased some toilet paper as I had asked him. Now, I know how people favor different brands for their home products, but generally, when talking about my tuckus, I like to spend the extra 20 cents so that I am not chafed for the entire day. The roommate, however, does not have such worries, as he purchases rolled up newspaper to wipe his bum. I unrolled the Scott new "Extra Soft" brand and wondered whether this was the equivalent of sandpaper "extra fine", which I think they randomly number as 2. And Lavurn, to my amazement, it wasn't that at all. This sandpaper had to be a 6 or an 8. Oh joy! And to think I'm going to spinning after this. I'm going to look like one of those asses at the Lure after a long night of punishment.

Maybe I should change my resolution. I mean, it's not like there's a performance review out there judging how well I'm doing on this Buddhist acceptance idea. Maybe I should be contrarian and be completely intolerant. Oh wait, the Republican Party has already staked out that resolution. Well, I'll let you know when I come up with something good.

Your intrepid do-gooder in the field,

Shirlee