What Two Sides Would You Like With That?

Once upon a time, well, last summer, a beautiful Prince, named Lavurn, went off to Switzerland for three weeks to eat cheese and have sex with the Swiss Army. While I was there, I met a cook at a Mexican grocery store chain that wined and dined me. He took me on bike rides and brought me to a charming cottage at the top of a mountain to eat fondue. To repay him, I sucked him off on top of the town’s water tower and then poured wine all over him and licked it off in his garden.

The guy was nice and sweet and had all the characteristics of what I thought I wanted in a boyfriend. Well, I didn’t really imagine dating someone who cook 25 pounds of mashed potatoes and then scooped it into Styrofoam containers to be sold for $6.95. But hey, I’ve put up with worse. Regardless, the guy never really clicked for me.

After I left Switzerland, he continued to send me these long emails telling me how much he missed me and how depressed he was. We only went out three times so I didn’t know what he was talking about. He sent the emails in French and since it’s not my first language, I didn’t really understand what he was saying. One time, he wrote me that he wanted to kill himself and I wrote back, “Who is this? Just joking. I’m in Stockholm now. The boys are beautiful. Anyway, shout at you later.”

He wrote back telling me that he couldn’t believe how insensitive I was. I had to get my French roommate to translate it for me. I wrote the guy back telling him that I was sorry but that I’d misunderstood his previous email. I suddenly realized that he was a little too Glen Close, Fatal Attractions for me.

So anyway, I am moving back to Switzerland in a few days. I met the Mexican grocery store cook on a website popular amongst the gay community. I’d like to put my picture up there again but am afraid he will find my profile and beat me to death with a big metal spatula. So tell me, is the chance of having sex with hot Swiss boys worth the risk of being killed by a kitchen utensil?

Lavurn