Burritoville

Dear Gabby,

I think I might be dating one of those illegal Mexican. His name is "Sam", but this morning when I was doing important research by going through his medicine cabinet, I saw a prescription for someone named Santiago Garcia. Later, when he was ironing his shirt for work, I joked, "Why don't you get Santiago Garcia to do it?" He said, "How did you know my real name?"
I hadn't thought Sam was short for anything but Samuel. So the real question, dear Gabby, is how should I figure out if Sr. Garcia is Central American or South American. If we had a car, I could ask him to turn on the air conditioning and see if he rolled down a window, but I don't have a car. I tried humming La Cucaracha under my breath, but I think I was off-key.

Only you, Gabs, can help me solve the mystery of Where In The World is Santiago Garcia from. And what if he is one of those illegal immigrants? What's a law-abiding white boy to do? Should I call up George Bush or one of those red-faced right-wing Republicans who can't seem to focus on more important things than whether the person who cleans my house has a Visa?

Oh, and another question Gabby. He tans beautifully. I began calling him my chocolate lover. Is that racist if he's Mexican?

Your intrepid American Citizen,

Holy Frijoles